Suddenly

When I came home today, I dropped my things off at the door and went to the couch where I sobbed into my dog Taco's furry neck.
She sat still and let me.
I brushed my teeth twice,
I still feel twinges of tightness in my chest when I think about it.
When I was driving home after it happened, I resisted the urge to call my ex, who used to be my best friend,
"He probably would just pretend to care, while laughing so hard inside his organs would quake."
I am missing my life two years ago, suddenly.
I want the friends who I let inside my heart more than anyone before back in my life;
People like Jessica, Chris, Nick, Will, and Wyatt.
4 boys.
4 Men.
Coincidence?
"Law & Order: SVU" puts me to sleep nearly every night, unlike any other show or movie, it actually relaxes me,
That's how I know I'm fucked up.
The bad writing and predictable dialogue - how many hookers actually get murdered in New York?
I'm suddenly realizing how ridiculous i must look to the world.
I am suddenly sick over the thought of trying again, what if it happens again?
It's enough stress to make me go to church again.
I associate Churches with death and guilt,
If I want to be happy, I go to the movies - darkness and popcorn - it's a cure.
Suddenly, I want a life in the country - writing novels, chasing dogs, not talking to any more people.
I feel old, suddenly, and it was mirror.
Do I look retarded in my Ramones shirt?
I suddenly want to get all of my tattoos removed,
Except for the ones that represent the 3 men that have really loved me -
Maybe the only people that loved me.
Suddenly, I can't sleep,
and movies with sex scenes just look like gore now.
The idea of eating chocolate makes me gag,
even Nutella is horrible - saddest thing ever.
I can't believe how empty I feel.
How stupid I feel now.
Words cannot describe how stupid I feel.