On days like this, where I was too scared to stay at home all day by myself, I would go to the Art museum. The Art museum in Raleigh is free, easy to get to, and has ample parking. Their selection of pieces isn't nearly as amazing as it could or should be, but the other three factors I mentioned cancel that fact out. It was somewhere to go to get away from the gloom hanging in the house, thick with my fuck-ups. I can't go to the Art museum here in Seattle when I feel like that - it costs $15 to get in, and then another $15 to park my car somewhere where I won't get raped. I hate how expensive it is, how everything is, it's isolating.
I don't want to complain. The volcano is beautiful, the air is fresh, and the Sound reminds me of New England. But so far, the only people I've met have scared me - and I'm usually not scared of anything without red eyes or eight legs. After ten years in the South, I can't get over how cold it is here - I always have a shiver, my teeth are always chattering, but - oh, hold on, I'm watching an episode of "Law & Order: SVU" and there is a fight club. A real fight club consisting of New York cabbies, and one betting all his fighting money on his step son whom he makes fight to 'earn his keep'. It's so bad, it's almost good. But, enough of that.
I can't get over how lost I feel sometimes. Somedays, I feel like I've fell down a rabbit hole. Sometimes I am at a happy tea party and I can't stop laughing. Other times, I'm alone in the woods and I can hear something eating in the dark. and he wonders why I can't move sometimes.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Suddenly
When I came home today, I dropped my things off at the door and went to the couch where I sobbed into my dog Taco's furry neck.
She sat still and let me.
I brushed my teeth twice,
I still feel twinges of tightness in my chest when I think about it.
When I was driving home after it happened, I resisted the urge to call my ex, who used to be my best friend,
"He probably would just pretend to care, while laughing so hard inside his organs would quake."
I am missing my life two years ago, suddenly.
I want the friends who I let inside my heart more than anyone before back in my life;
People like Jessica, Chris, Nick, Will, and Wyatt.
4 boys.
4 Men.
Coincidence?
"Law & Order: SVU" puts me to sleep nearly every night, unlike any other show or movie, it actually relaxes me,
That's how I know I'm fucked up.
The bad writing and predictable dialogue - how many hookers actually get murdered in New York?
I'm suddenly realizing how ridiculous i must look to the world.
I am suddenly sick over the thought of trying again, what if it happens again?
It's enough stress to make me go to church again.
I associate Churches with death and guilt,
If I want to be happy, I go to the movies - darkness and popcorn - it's a cure.
Suddenly, I want a life in the country - writing novels, chasing dogs, not talking to any more people.
I feel old, suddenly, and it was mirror.
Do I look retarded in my Ramones shirt?
I suddenly want to get all of my tattoos removed,
Except for the ones that represent the 3 men that have really loved me -
Maybe the only people that loved me.
Suddenly, I can't sleep,
and movies with sex scenes just look like gore now.
The idea of eating chocolate makes me gag,
even Nutella is horrible - saddest thing ever.
I can't believe how empty I feel.
How stupid I feel now.
Words cannot describe how stupid I feel.
She sat still and let me.
I brushed my teeth twice,
I still feel twinges of tightness in my chest when I think about it.
When I was driving home after it happened, I resisted the urge to call my ex, who used to be my best friend,
"He probably would just pretend to care, while laughing so hard inside his organs would quake."
I am missing my life two years ago, suddenly.
I want the friends who I let inside my heart more than anyone before back in my life;
People like Jessica, Chris, Nick, Will, and Wyatt.
4 boys.
4 Men.
Coincidence?
"Law & Order: SVU" puts me to sleep nearly every night, unlike any other show or movie, it actually relaxes me,
That's how I know I'm fucked up.
The bad writing and predictable dialogue - how many hookers actually get murdered in New York?
I'm suddenly realizing how ridiculous i must look to the world.
I am suddenly sick over the thought of trying again, what if it happens again?
It's enough stress to make me go to church again.
I associate Churches with death and guilt,
If I want to be happy, I go to the movies - darkness and popcorn - it's a cure.
Suddenly, I want a life in the country - writing novels, chasing dogs, not talking to any more people.
I feel old, suddenly, and it was mirror.
Do I look retarded in my Ramones shirt?
I suddenly want to get all of my tattoos removed,
Except for the ones that represent the 3 men that have really loved me -
Maybe the only people that loved me.
Suddenly, I can't sleep,
and movies with sex scenes just look like gore now.
The idea of eating chocolate makes me gag,
even Nutella is horrible - saddest thing ever.
I can't believe how empty I feel.
How stupid I feel now.
Words cannot describe how stupid I feel.
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