Um, well,

I would write more if my keyboard wasn't a whore from Mexico.

A Brog?

So, obviously, I've left North Carolina. Here is a list of things that are either currently running through my mind, or they did run through my mind prior to leaving.

1. I miss my best friend Leanne (Lennon) Patrick so goddern much, it's inappropriate. Some people call us lesbians because we're so close, but, we're not.... or are we? No, we're really not, but we are close. She's the first friend I've ever had that I trust completely and honestly. We're so much alike, it's well, look, she's my family, no other way around it. I don't know what I will do if she doesn't come out here in October for her birthday.....
...I really don't know what I will do if she gets an amazing job offer that keeps her from moving out here after her graduation.

2. I want to get back into school RIGHT NOW. I've applied to a few universities in the area, but I've got a portfolio review for Cornish College of the Arts in 2 weeks that I am racing like hell to finish. I am very nervous.

3. Seattle traffic is NO FUCKING JOKE.

4. I am glad I left Peace College when I did. In all honesty, I went there because they accepted me, and they had a major I was interested in. It didn't change my life or some shit like that. I met some great girls there, but I also met a lot of bat-shit, butt-ugly, bitchy ones who would do better learning in a place where there are posters of boy-bands on the wall and Ring-Pops on their hands. But hey, to-MAY-to, to-MAH-to.

5. Also, don't act like you chose to go there because it 'changed your life." You told me numerous times you went there because Meredith didn't accept you.

6. I don't give a fuck that you went to Mexico. Honestly, I didn't know about it until after you went there because I had deleted you a long time prior. Sure, I would've loved to have gone, but it's hard to save for a trip when you're paying $2000 a month in rent and utilities because your room-mate only chips in $260 a month. (But she uses your dishes, silverware, Internet, Netflix, etc....) But really? A school Mexico trip? Nah. I want to drink and smoke with the locals, go to Frida's house, paint on a cliff, and do shit on my own time. I'm not impressed, nor do I care. But, hey, the semester will be back on soon, and you can start hoarding your shit again, like plastic bags of cat shit that you don't throw away. Not changing your nasty litter box, letting your cat get on the same surfaces that your prepare food on (you may be fine with bacteria and fur in your food, sorry if I was not) and spending hours watching the shittiest shows on TV ever made. Also, you're not a witch. Please don't disgrace those of us that are by calling yourself that. Also, I hope you find a your own personal style - and stop trying to imitate everyone you meet. Good luck - honestly, I mean that. The only problem I really have with you - is your deceitfulness. That's it - other than that, I wish you all of the best. Really.

7. No one is bad person for smoking weed. It's better and safer than alcohol and cigarettes - and everyone here in Seattle does it.

8. I miss Leanne. I know I said it, but, hey.

9. My husband is so comforting to me.

10. I'm addicted to fountain soda diet cokes.

11. My mother finally gave me my father's ashes. I don't think I've been happier. On the same note, having them in my apartment is kind of creepy.

12. I actually enjoy talking to my mom on the phone. This move may be a good thing.

13. I miss a lot of people from North Carolina, but not the people I THOUGHT I would miss, a whole other bunch entirely.

14. HempFest is in 2 weekends!

15. I'm going to the goddern Zoo this weekend - HAPPY. I WANNA SEE TIGERS AND PENGUINS!

16. I want to get more tattoos. Seriously.

17. There are so many Asians in washington State.

18. My friend Wyatt Rollins is one of those friends I don't want to lose, and am liking more as an adult more and more. Seriously Wyatt, you're a great person and the only person who can EVER keep up with me in quoting entire movies. That is a rare gift, my friend, and we have both been blessed by whoever or WHATEVER with it.

19. Brian Lewis is a great guy. So is Christopher Wright. Both are exceedingly talented and need to do SOMETHING and EVERYTHING to use it properly. Artists are not meant for corners and dark rooms - they are meant for moonlight, stages, and open windows. GO FOR IT, I LOOKED UP TO BOTH OF YOU AT ONE TIME IN MY LIFE. <3

20. I want to be Lara Croft when I grow up.

21. I have more, but I need to sleep. My bed just seems more comfortable on Pacific Time.

22....Oh yeah, this Pacific Time change is fucking with my head.

?

I don't know how to exist anywhere besides the Art world. And if they don't want me, then what?

Hipster sex.

Sometime ago, I found myself being forced into trying bondage with this guy whose name escapes me at the moment. He was one of those hipster guys with skinny jeans and a octopus tattoo across his breastplate, and asked me over an Irish coffee if I wanted to be tied up. Raising one eyebrow, although in my head I really just uncrossed my legs, I shrugged and said, 'Why not?" Back at his place, just under an hour later, he used my fishnets to tie my hands to his headboard and then proceeded to give me the worst sex of my life. It wasn't the bondage, if anything, he tied the stockings too loose. I think it was the incessant moaning and asking me, "Does that feel good?"
Does that feel good? I rolled my eyes over and over and felt the Irish coffee sloshing around in my belly. I looked over to his bedside table, knowing that in the tiny drawer he stored his rolling papers and small amount of weed. That would feel good. I knew that as soon as he came, he'd want to roll and share one and make me listen to fucking underground band that no one knows about. So I quickly faked an orgasm and waited the 2 minutes until he came. When he went to the bathroom to clean up afterwards, I stole his weed and slithered out of there. The point of this story is that hipsters suck at trying new things and sex.

I am amazed.

- At how many people are educators, or call themselves educated people, yet they can't spell the simplest of words.

- How people who have known me for years still write my name like, "Elise" instead of the correct, 'Elyse". From now on, I am going to purposefully misspell your names. It makes me feel like you don't take me seriously enough to learn my name, or that all this time, I've been associating with a retard.

- How mediocre some people are.

- At how a left hand turn completely terrifies people.

- When a drive-thru line is longer than 5 cars, and people still refuse to get out of the fucking car and just 'go in'.

- That some of the most devout Christian's I know are also some of the most petty, egotistical, back-handed, and ugly people I know.

- You are able to call yourself a friend to someone when you basically used them for a year.

- How much I'm going to miss Leanne when I move to Seattle. It's tearing me apart.

- How much I still miss New England - but mostly the seasons and landscape, not really the memories.

- That weed is still illegal, but alcohol is not.

- At how much I don't care about the Casey Anthony trial.

- Or any trial unless I'm in it, or it effects my civil rights.

- How some people think they can lead a revolution, but never leave their bedroom.

- How some people don't realize that one day, they will be alone. So they better start learning how to take care of themselves.

- How you really don't think anyone suspects that you're in love and/or mind-fucking your brother.

- That you aren't willing to get healthy.

- That you make promises but you sure as hell never keep them.

- That some days my opinion matter s to you, and other days, it's not even acknowledged.

- That you think you're smarter than me. Just because you can do a math problem doesn't mean you are. It means you can follow directions. I suggest you join the Marines, they love people who follow directions.

- How I never trusted you.

- How badly I still miss my father, that I cry once a week when no one is around.

- At how badly I hurt you.

- At how much you've changed for the better since I've hurt you, and how proud I am of you. And jealous.

- How delusional you are about yourself.

- At how you should really stop wearing heels, you look like a water buffalo who was given two legs by Ursula - but you don't know how to walk with them.

- At how you can actually call yourself a witch. It disgusts me.

- How you can call yourself anything but a liar. I've never seen your real personality, style, or sense of humor - because they don't exist.

- At how much I love my dog Taco.

- At how much I hate salad.

- At how much I love music and theater, but that I don't care if I ever get paid for doing either one.

- At how much I want to be an artist - and not really anything else.

- At how much I don't want children, or really like any of them.

- At how people use the term 'simple-minded' when they really mean, 'close-minded'.

- At how I never get tired of fountain diet cokes.

- At how often I youtube 'Are You Afraid Of The Dark?"

- At how scared I am to start over - AGAIN.

- At how bad I never, ever want to work in a shopping Mall.

- At how much I hate having a boss at all.

- At how often I say, 'Fuck You.'

Artist's Plea

We are the Artists.
The eternally young, perpetually angry, constantly looking, beautiful, honest, courageous - artists.
....For many years, we've made this world beautiful.
Laying color on top of your concrete,
Blooms on top of your foundation,
Shine on top of your skyscrapers.
....But we'd like a chance now.
We want your deafness to repair itself.
....We know what we're headed for, and what is heading for us.

....Give us ONE day, world.
Where you let us drive.
The planet is thirsty,
...sick,
.... scared,
...plain,
...uniformed,
........Dying.
We have the tincture,
the remedy,
...the cure.
It is thick laughter, sarcasm, sex, color.
It's profanity, pushing children out of the way, shielding the world from pain,
...But not honesty.
.....Not all do-gooders are soft people.
For a long time, we have tried to open your eyes, minds, souls, bodies, and heart to change.
For forever, it seems, we have ran across endless numbers of you, refusing to do so.
Despite your adverse reactions to some of us, despite the pain you've caused those unlike yourselves,
Regardless of the shame you've made us feel, the outcasts you've made of us,
...We still love you,
...We still hope you'll join us,
....We still hope that you will listen.
By pushing us away, you pushed into the darkest corners of ourselves.
Shuddering from the cold you made us feel, we look up, and saw our demons in the darkness.
They held out their hands for us, offering wisdom and courage.
Some of us took it.
..... You people like to fight your demons, and kill them.
As artists, we know they're with us for life. Parts of ourselves.
...We work with them.
They keep us mighty, they keep us smart, they keep us awake from the terrible, monotonous sleep some of you dwell in.
...In this darkness, dancing with these demons - we've grown stronger.
In our bodies, our souls, our brains, and our hearts.
...Those with the greatest capacity for hate, also have the greatest capacity for love.
...Not all those with weapons seek to harm.

For many years, you've driven the ship.
Creating monuments, markers, and technology.
You've built our world faster, stronger, heavier.
In our sleep, in our dreams, we artists feel her weight.
We feel her tremble with fear of herself, we feel the gasses growing hotter,
The air growing sour, and the silent screams she gives out.
....They're nearly whimpers.
...We're not saying that the world needs a 'reset' button.
...But, we're asking for ONE day, ONE chance to prove ourselves to you.
To kneel before OUR god, maybe even YOUR god, and say, 'We're Ready."
To say, "Trust Us."
And you respond with, "Okay."
...Believe in us, even though we're unlike you.
...Don't insult those who are different than you.
Who may be slower, or faster, or weaker, or stronger.
Because then, you are more alone than you ever have been.
...Let us save you, ourselves.
...Let us learn the right way.
...We're running out of time.
even if you don't know it,
...You're always running out of time.

Moving Out....again.

So, it's been nearly a year since we moved into this large house with too many rooms. It's been a long year. I started a new school which I have mixed feelings about, I found my scissor sister, I took my work places, and I found myself. Now, Van and I are moving into a smaller apartment, where we plan to save a shit-ton of money (that's an approximate number) and decide on a few things. One thing we're waiting o is to see if he gets a job in Seattle. If not, there are a few more he really has his eyes on, and if he doesn't get any of those, we're saving up and moving next year when this lease is over. One way or another, guarenteed, I will be in Seattle for my 25th birthday. This coming year will be amazing, regardless, for a couple of reasons. One, my best friend, Leanne, and I, are finally getting our music off of the ground, I can feel it. She's on her keyboard, and me learning a few instruments and planning on mastering the MacBook beat maker - we're going to be amazing. I really trust her as an artist and as a soul - and I don't trust a lot of people - none really. I feel so blessed by the goddess and the Universe that she and I are friends, she's definitely been a rock for me the last fews months, and I can't get over the laughs! (Not a lot of people compel me to use an exclamation point) Also, she, Van and I, are working on a big video project. Leanne is also an amazing writer, and she and I are going to write scripts and stories of people, and act them out. She and I, and Van, are both itching to perform. So, fuck it, we're going to do it ourselves. It'll be a beautiful mockumentary, I can feel it. That's another thing - I'm branching out and learning all new different forms of art. I used to just limit myself to painting - but I think that's because I was scared to try anything. I'm not really scared of anything like that anymore. I'm learning video cutting software, mastering a camera, and now I'm working with Andrew Giovinni, who is an amazing photographer and plans to teach me a lot - and then, get my own show in his gallery on Martin St.
What else?
Oh, yeah. This year, I was able to re-connect with some great people. My other best friend, Jessica, found me on Christmas Day (when I was terribly lonely and sad) through an email, and we became friends again. I missed her so much the year prior, and I love her so much, because she is a FUCKING GENIUS AND A BEAUTIFUL SOUL. And my ex-boyfriend, or whatever you want to call him, Will, and I reconnected. We're not like, chummy or anything, but it's nice to know that I can wave hello or something. It's nice to see how he's blossomed and how amazing a life he's built for himself, in a way, I'm proud.
I am really ready to put my foot in the ground and walk on it this year. I've become so much more aware of myself and others, and I'm kind of adamant in the fact that I'm not going to do anything i don't want to do anymore. I've said good-bye to a fw people that I realized that I don't want or need in my life anymore. Some friends that have exposed themselves this year to be nothing but followers, that were never my real friends, liars, fakes, and plain un-interesting (no matter how hard they try to be cool - they never will be, it's sad.).